


don't be afraid, we're going home

by hhoseok



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:08:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7300774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhoseok/pseuds/hhoseok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is tired, he wants time, he wants the world to wait a little, he’s not Ready to face the world today, not yet, he wants to sleep a little more. Can’t god help him out a little for once and stop time?</p><p> </p><p>(or, the fic where josh meets tyler at treatment)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. character introdcution

**Author's Note:**

> this is a character study i wrote a year ago and i want to continue it now on how are thigns now, it's pretty much self insertive but yeah.

Josh is tired, he wants time, he wants the world to wait a little, he’s not Ready to face the world today, not yet, he wants to sleep a little more. Can’t god help him out a little for once and stop time?. That’s impossible, he thinks, giving up. If he goes to school today he can buy gum, he loves gum, and he also doesn’t want to deal with his mom so he gets up.

Josh is not really depressed, he thinks, this can’t be it, even though he kinda has the reasons to be, he guesses, but he doesn’t like talking about it, nothing to worry about.

Josh gets up, he goes to school, and he eats gum.  
He loves chocolate milk, but even that is getting old, weird, it didn’t get old ever in his 17 years of life, but its getting a little tiring lately. He’s disapppointed.

His therapist tells him he needs medication, nothing to worry about though, she says he needs incentivation to do things he used to enjoy, to stop skipping school so much, she writes “depression symptoms ” and other things Josh can’t read in her handwriting. She tells him not to worry about it. “It’s just a little exagerated so the insurace will cover it”. Josh is worried, what will his mother think, what will his siblings think, they have a lot of problems to deal with, and yet there he is. Getting pills prescripted.  
Josh asks himself, is he trying to get attention? Probably, he has thought of trying to end himself, only trying, so he will be taken seriously, he says to himself, but what if he just wants some selfish attention? He isn’t really thinking.  
Josh’s sibling is also on meds, Josh’s scared of making his mom feel like a failure. What if she thinks she’s a mess and horrible for having her two children with some kind of mental illness and on meds. Josh feels guilty. Josh feels its his fault. He’s sure.

Josh has been fucking himself up. Now he looks back and thinks how stupid this is. He tells himself he’s pathetic and wants attention. Pathetic.  
He has been kind of listening to music that reflects his feelings. He feels guilty too.  
He doesn’t want to look back and think the music had to do with this. Music can’t influence you that much, can it? He’s just listening to relatable lyrics and nice sounds. If he’s gotten worse, it doesn’t have anything to do with the music he listens to. He did this to himself.

Josh loves dressing in a way that makes people doubt his gender, he also hates it, because it reminds him how people always try so hard to gender people, that’s fucked up, he thinks to himself. But he still does it. He loves clothes, all kinds. He guesses he’s into fashion. He also likes painting his nails. Usually dark cold colors like blue or black, and some rare times, red, to go with his outfit. He likes dyeing his hair; it’s red and black right now. He is also thinking of getting a tattoo, just to look a little more badass and cool, but also because he wants to have something that has meaning, and only he understands. 

Josh doesn’t quite understand himself. 

Josh loves body rocking, he’ll never tell anyone, all his family members he lives with have seen him though, it’s not that much of a secret, but he’s embarrassed of it. It’s very calming. Once he got worried about what it meant, but he looked it up and told himself it’s because of stress, now he doesn’t care anymore because it helps him calm down and deal with stress. Which he doesn’t understand, what gives him stress, what that even means. He doesn’t try to get it though. 

He wants to play drums but there’s so many things going on, his family can’t really afford it, he’s too shy to go on a shop and try some drums, even the ones that aren’t real ones. He’s seventeen, not thirteen, he says to himself, shaking his head as he passes the music instruments shop, chewing gum nervously.

Josh judges, he hates that, it’s a really ugly thing- he’s aware. But he can’t help it, he feels safe, judging people, keeping hismelf safe. His family’s a lil messed up, so it’s kind of hereditary. He feels safe. When his therapist asks him if he wants to change anything, what he wants to get out of therapy, he doesn’t really want to change that, he doesn’t know, he feels safe. What would he do without this? He judges himself too, but he thinks that’s necessary, he thinks he has saved himself from being ridiculous so many times. He can’t afford not having this. He’d be too exposed. He can’t do that. He doesn’t want to.  
But again, he asks himself, is this that “comfort zone” bullshit? He guesses so. It’s complicated. He still doesn’t really try to get it.

 

Josh can’t see himself in the future. He hates that kind of excercise. He guesses he’ll be alive in one year, but he doesn’t know what he’ll be doing. He doesn’t know what he’ll be doing in one month, and his therapist asks him what he sees himself doing in 10 years. He Doesn’t Know. 

There’s many things Josh doesn’t undestand. He doesn’t really want to try to either. It’s too complicated.

Josh is tired. Josh doesn’t know what to do. Literally, he doesn’t have anything to do. Sometimes he just washes the dishes listening to music so his mom won’t be on his back later. He likes the routine of doing the dishes. Everything has its place. But maybe, now he realizes, it’s another Comfort Zone bullshit thing. He loves/hates routines. It’s nice. But he also doesn’t like giving his brain the pleasure of Comfort Zone, but yet. He still doesn’t really want to do anything about it.

 

Maybe it’s the people he hangs out with.

When he was younger, Josh thought everyone was happy, he thought he was just fine. But now he is realizing most people aren’t really happy, and that like, you can’t be happy all the time. Josh realized everyone has their problem, who knows what’s people’s past, what they’ve been through, the story of their family. Perfection doesn’t exist. Everything’s a little fucked up. That’s the way things are. Everyone’s a little pathetic, Josh tells himself.

Josh feels like he has been acting he was mentally ill, until now he kind of really is. He is doing this for acceptance and attention. He tells himself he is truly pathetic.

 

Josh doesn’t know how the story will end, if he’ll meet someone who reaches his selfish pathetic standards, he isn’t sure if he’ll ever be in a romantic relationship. But maybe someday he’ll find a great partner. He doesn’t know. He can’t see himself with a partner, not romantic. Much much less sexual, God. He is worried. He doesn’t really want to die. At least right now, he’s kinda over suicidal thoughts, but they always come back for some reason. He can’t tell what makes him want to stay alive, and what makes him want to just end himself. 

Right now, he guesses he can at least try to live, if it gets too bad, he can go.  
He knows he could try and get out of situations and he knows that’s a weak thought but he doesn’t care.... Kind of.

 

He probably isn’t mentally ill or something, he’s probably just pathetic and miserable, he thinks to himself.


	2. will you take care of me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh has gotten used to it, it being a routine, coming to the treatment house thing, doing activities, and everything, it's pretty nice, he guesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning! for: csa mention, suicide attempt mention, overdose mention.
> 
> i hope to update soon! please leave comments and kudos, they are well appreciated!!
> 
> I wanna thank my beta, astrid! thank you so much i love you!!

Josh was in fact mentally ill, he thought he was just faking it at first but then when he was in his darkest hours, and he realized he really wasn’t faking it, he suffered, he had a psychotic crisis later that year, after he started meds. Turns out the antidepressants he was given made him feel worse and started a crisis, sometimes Josh thought he deserved it for basically looking for it and faking it until then, but thankfully with other’s med’s help, he could get better.

Now, almost a year passed since that incident, it had been on winter, Josh thinks winter is the perfect season for relapses and crises. It is coincidentally the time where it all goes down, every year for years, he felt down, but last year, 2015, had beat any records.

He overdosed last start of summer, not actually trying to kill himself, he says, making his family worried and making his psychiatrist derive him into a more intensive treatment.

Months have passed since the last time he felt suicidal, it’s August now, and he feels like he has been getting better.  
Josh is comfortable with the treatment, he feels like it is a second home of some sort, just like JJ, an old man (for such a nickname, he must be 40 something) always tells people it feels like.

The treatment is a house full of really cool people who have mental problems like he does, everyone is really nice and warm, even though they have been through through a lot of stuff and sometimes are depressed, they’re still all really friendly. They do activities everyday like going for walks, they have music, even literature sometimes, the schedule is really nice and complete, they have theater, corporal expression, all types of activities to go through the day, but mostly, though? they just spend time outside in the front yard, smoking and talking.

He looks up to the sky, it’s a very nice August afternoon, and the warmth of the sun touches his bare untanned skin, he realizes hanging out with his now new friends is nice, mostly with Tyler and Mark, his new friends whom he mostly talks with.  
Tyler is kind of shy at first, he realized on Tyler's first days, but so is Josh sometimes, considering this, it wasn’t easy for them to get close. Though Josh is also kind of an extrovert when he’s comfortable so he started the conversation with music on July, when Tyler was new, and Josh had been a couple of months old at the place. So they happened to share likings but it wasn’t until he showed Tyler a band that they clicked. Tyler loved the band the second the music played; he loved the aesthetics and the rythm. It was nothing less than Brand New, Josh’s favorite band at the moment. They watched videos of Josh’s favorite band for a while, even planned to go to a concert together one of these days when they get the chance. Josh was starting to feel comfortable around Tyler.

Tyler’s smile reminded Josh of sunny days, bright things, of really nice stuff; Tyler made his stomach flutter with happiness and laughs. Tyler was actually very funny when he wanted to. Josh found himself getting fonder and fonder of that guy Tyler. And Tyler felt the same.

Josh has gotten used to it, it being a routine, coming to the treatment house thing, doing activities, neurocognitive activities with that super nice lady called Andrea, it really helped also, because with all the support, he feels like he's not alone and that people really care about him. Though he still does feel depressed, and thinks about overdosing sometimes it’s not the same as the crisis he has had.  
Sometimes some of that sadness will start again, he wishes he'd have another crisis. He can't wait to relapse. He can't wait to feel validated like he's truly mentally ill again. He wants to be validated but he doesn’t want to really relapse, does he? he just wants the attention and validation of it, not really the suffering, even though he thinks he deserves it for thinking all of this.  
He feels like a diagnosis isn't enough, the diagnosis of an unspecified psychotic disorder isn’t enough now he feels better, he knows this is really self-destructive but he doesn't really care.  
He has heard his mother over the phone talking to someone saying he has that borderline personality disorder but he doesn’t really believe it, him, a borderline? Weird.

 

He falls into that routine he kind of likes, talking to Tyler, smoking with Tyler and Mark. Telling them his problems and why he’s there. Them telling Josh their problems too.

Josh telling, one day, his deepest secret to Tyler. The reason why he’s truly, thoroughly fucked up.

Josh was a child sexual abuse victim... or survivor as some people like to put it, but since he doesn’t remember it, he doesn’t really care most of the time. But he doesn’t like brushing it off either, like, he knows it’s horrible and because of that he has a little bit of a trauma. He knows his past sucks, he knows that his life was ruined the second he stepped on earth, but it doesn’t let it define him. At least, he tries so.  
Tyler hugs him when Josh tells him his story. Tyler didn’t know what he was supposed to say besides “I’m sorry”; Josh just hoped Tyler wouldn’t treat him any different from now on. That he wouldn't pity him. Now he knew the truth.

And Tyler didn’t, to Josh’s relief; he kept treating Josh the same way, looking at him the same way and telling him the same lame jokes in the morning over coffee in the Treatment House.

Tyler tells Josh his story one day later, over breakfast, he was pretty casual about it, Tyler was so relatable, Josh thought, Tyler was also really obsessed with being mentally ill he felt like he looked for it and now he ended up here. He had tried to kill himself like two times, and sent to the hospital, he was in a psych ward for two weeks before he was set free again, it had been a pretty rough try. But he was getting better now.

Josh found himself smiling so much around Tyler, he loved it really, someone to trust, and to make him company.

It was a rainy summer afternoon when Tyler interrupted the silence,

“I like the smell of rain,”

“Same", Josh said, looking over Tyler and then back to the bright green grass in front of them, they were standing under a ceiling outside of the house.

“We should go inside, we’re going to, like, freeze to death.” Josh said, after some minutes of silence, Tyler looked at him, smiling

“Please Josh, it’s not actually cold, it’s just rain!” Tyler said and chuckled looking at Josh and him looking right back at Tyler, also smiling.

“C’mon Ty, it’s getting cold, it’s not just rain, I know it’s summer but it’s not actually really warm right now, don’t you think?” Josh said, finishing his cigarette and throwing it into the nearest trash can.

“Yeah, well I think you’re exaggerating a bit there, it’s really nice out here in my very humble opinion" Tyler said, moving his arms as to make a point. “And the rain!”

“You say that because you’re warm with your cardigan, bro” Josh said walking towards the house’s front door, “I don’t know about you but I’m going inside, I mean, I love the rain and all but it’s cold man”

“Well, you should’ve brought warmer clothing,” Tyler added, following Josh inside.

 

They have conversations like this every day, over the stupidest thing you could imagine, they would argue. And after all, Tyler always chases after Josh, and Josh chases Tyler, they stick around together at all times, it’s rare to see them separated lately, really. They go for smokes together; they almost even go to the bathroom at the same time. They eat at the same table, they have the same friends, they really like to spend time with each other.

One day, he comes out to Tyler, Josh has accepted himself in the last few months, he finally admitted to himself he is genderqueer, maybe genderfluid, maybe genderpunk, probably genderpunk, he realizes someday, and it’s the term he feels most comfortable and identified with. A punk of gender, Yes, he thinks. He’s also bi but that’s something he had accepted way before the gender thing. He said it all to Tyler, that afternoon,

“Wow, really? I mean I kinda expected the bi thing, I mean, I’m also bi, but I don’t really get the gender ..uh- punk? Thing? Is that why you paint your nails?” Tyler interjected, feeling a little confused, Josh laughed a bit and with a smile he said,

“Yeah, I guess but like anyone, genderpunk or not, can paint their nails, bro. It’s really nice, it’s not only for girls!” Josh said looking at his black nails, “Also it’s cool that you’re also bi, give me five" Josh rose the palm of his hand for Tyler to do the same, both laughing at their ridiculousness and they high fived as wanted by the redhead.

“If you’re into it, we could, like hang out and paint our nails if you want, you should totally come over my house someday,” Josh added, looking at Tyler, and Tyler looking right back at him.

“Yeah sure that’d be cool, since I saw yours, I kinda wanted to do mine” Tyler said looking at his unpainted nails. “So, like you should explain to me this genderjunk stuff to me”

“It’s genderpunk, Tyler, oh my God” Josh said, shaking his head, and kinda laughing though.

“Alright, it’s like, there’s binary genders, right? female and male, and like, there’s really a lot more of them people don’t really know about, like this one, genderPunk,” he said accentuating the P, “And like, they’re called non binary genders,” Tyler looks at Josh like he’s dazzled with the information, “It’s really cool because, I think, you can be like whatever you want,” looking at Tyler “you don’t even have to do anything to fit a role, you just do whatever you feel comfortable and whatever you want to be. You know?” 

“Yeah… I think I get it… and I think i might be a little into it” Tyler said with a grimace, “Tell me more,” 

“Well, like I said, there’s a lot of genders, you can take little things from each binary gender you like, like, me, painting my nails, that’s conventionally a “girl’s thing”, you know?” Josh didn’t really wait for Tyler's “yeah” to continue, “and so like, you can express yourself however you want, like, for me it’s painting my nails or dyeing my hair, or wearing really long shirts that kinda look like dresses,” Josh could tell that Tyler was digging this, “or even wearing skirts sometimes when i feel like it but with pants on though… I should show you sometime, I also express myself by wearing makeup, but I’m too lazy to do it daily,” He laughed, “So I do it on special occasions or when I just feel like it, I think you haven’t seen me with it yet?” Josh asked tilting his head to the side,

“Oh my God I haven't, I bet you look so freaking great” Tyler looked excited, with a smile plastered on his face.

“Do you wanna come over today? I could explain you some more about the whole gender thing and all, we could watch a tv show or a movie we both like and paint our nails!” Josh looked twice as excited as Tyler looked right before. 

“Sure, that’d be pretty cool, I’m gonna text my mom” He said, taking his phone out, clicking on the iMessage icon, and typing, hey mom can i go over Josh’s, the guy from treatment i talked to you about? and you can pick me up later?

“Done” Tyler said, putting his phone back in his pocket, “She’ll probably say yes, she loves it when i socialize”

“What time is it, by the way? It probably isn’t long until we have to go home, right?” Josh asked, 

“It’s 2.45 PM we have an hour and a quarter to go home-” Tyler was interrupted,

“Guys,” David (therapeutic companion who also studied psychology but didn’t graduate, there were a lot of psychologists in the place, like 5 of them all the time, looking out for them) appeared on the front door, they were sitting outside, where JJ always would be, “you gotta come to the reflexive group I'm giving in a few, go to the room that’s downstairs!” and as he came, he disappeared again through the door, 

“Okay let’s go then” Said Josh, standing up, “c’mon Ty,” He said grabbing Tyler’s hand and carrying him through the door and to the room they were assigned at.

They took the bus 523 to Josh's house, living pretty far from the Treatment House. They arrived and drank Nesquik chocolate milk with cookies while they decided what to watch,

“We should totally watch Orange Is The New Black, I haven't’ seen season 4 yet” Tyler said, eating another cookie.

“Nah, I mean, I like orange, I really do, but I’ve actually marathoned it last week and it hasn’t been enough time for a rewatch, you know?” Josh said, doing his best to sound convincing, at the end he just wanted to watch his favorite tv show, “Let’s watch The X Files! It never gets old and it has so many seasons, bro, it’d be perfect” 

“Ugh, not again, you made me watch an entire episode at Treatment the other day, I didn’t even know the home’s wifi worked that well, and it wasn’t bad, I mean, I don’t dislike The X Files, but Orange is so good, please,” Tyler insisted, pucking his lips into a pout.

“C’mon, you can’t pout, that’s cheating!” Josh said, laughing a little,

“Please,” Tyler said, “pleaaaaaase”

“No way, we’re totally watching The X Files…”Josh looked like he realized something “no, wait, what about we watch like three x files episodes and then I’d be happy and we could watch the fourth season of Orange, or most of it, wouldn’t it be fair? would you be happy?”

It was around 4.30pm and they didn’t actually have all the time of the world but they’d like to pretend they did have it though.

 

Tyler looked like he was actually considering it, “hmm,” he hummed, “I guess it’s alright, we can watch your stupid files,” he laughed, Josh made a face of surprise and disgust and also an offended face at the same time “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! you know I actually like those, they’re great, they have great characters and all!” Tyler said, referring to Scully and Mulder.

“Alright, I’ll let it slip...” Josh began, “we can paint our nails while we watch the x files... be right back, i’ll get the nail polish,” Josh stood up “you should search for the x files meanwhile!” he said as he made his way to the bathroom,

A few minutes later, they were sitting on Josh’s bed, with his laptop resting on his desk, perfect view and all, Tyler was concentrated on the computer, paying attention to the episode, one about aliens on the forest, he remembered it, it was from the first season. On the other hand, Josh was painting Tyler’s hands fuchsia, Ty had said something about having something in mind for his nails to go with some clothes.. he didn’t specify but Josh didn’t mind, a little bit of mystery was alright. Josh listened to the episode as it went on, he also peeped a little in between nails, but he basically knew how the episode went by heart so, he didn’t really mind.

When Tyler’s nails were finished, he was pretty amazed but how good Josh had painted them, 

“I know, I know, it’s just practice I guess,” Josh said nonchalantly, Tyler realized it was his turn to paint Josh’s nails now, he panicked, 

“Oh my gosh I’m gonna probably mess up your whole hand, I can’t do it,”

“Nah, Ty, you’re gonna do it okay, I know it’s your first time painting nails but it’s not as hard as it looks like, I promise! and if you make mistakes, there’s remover over there to correct your errors!” Josh said, handing Tyler the dark blue color he was going for,

“Alright but promise not to laugh at my lameness” Tyler said, with no other option.

So Tyler painted Josh’s nails over The X Files, he messed up a couple of times but not as much as he had expected to, he was pretty satisfied with himself when he finished, admiring his work after a few minutes, waiting for it to dry.

“Damn, they look so blue, I love it, it’s a pretty color, J” Tyler said looking at Josh’s nails, with a big smile.

“Thank you so much, Ty, they look better than I even expected them to!” Josh said, laughing at himself. Tyler punched him lightly on his left arm.

“Ow!, Hey!” Josh said, still laughing.

“You deserve it, you promised!” Tyler said, also being unable to contain his laugh.

 

They kept watching the x files for around two hours when Tyler decided it was time for Orange Is The New Black, by that time, it was getting pretty late so Tyler asked his mom if he could just stay over the night, he was 18 but he still asked his mom to do anything, he didn’t want to worry her, either, so he typed hey mom, can i actually stay over the night? I'll take my meds tomorrow morning it's no problem I promise. U can talk to his mom at 8 when she gets home from work if u wanna, to what she replied Okay honey, take care, I’ll call you around eight! 

“She said yes! told ya, she just loves it when i socialize,” Tyler said when a smirk, and Josh laughed.

They ended up watching the whole season four of Orange Is The New Black in one go, almost with no interruptions nor breaks, (minus for a break to eat dinner, and when Tyler’s mom called to talk to Josh’s mom, like please! they weren’t kids anymore! they were both adults!). They finished watching it around 1am and went to sleep.

They shared Josh’s bed, Josh was the big spoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! leave kudos and comments if you liked it! also leave what you'd like to read next on the comments below! any constructive criticism is accepted.
> 
> you can contact me on twitter @nophunitnended or at tumblr @glowigneyes


	3. take it slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to my betas alma, astrid and soco for helping me and making this possible!!! (ily all)

Josh woke up before Tyler did, turning off his alarm, and going back to hugging Tyler’s waist. It was 9am and time to get up to get ready and go to Treatment. five more minutes please Josh thought, trying to go back to sleep, when he heard a groan coming from his friend, 

“Ty, you up?” Josh said, voice rough, sleepy and dry. Tyler grunted back at him. 

“I take that as a yes” Josh laughed a little, kissing Tyler’s cheek. Tyler blushed deeply turned around, facing Josh, 

“Good morning,” said Tyler, with a sleepy smile. 

“Morning,” replied Josh, hands still on Tyler’s waist.

“We should get going if we wanna make it on time,” Treatment started at 10am and ended at 4pm. 

“Yeah, I know, but I’m so comfy.” Tyler said, resting his head on Josh’s chest.

“C’mon, let’s get up, I don’t like being late” Josh said, removing his hands from Tyler’s waist, at what Tyler made a disapproving noise, and pulling the covers from over them. Josh stood up and made his way towards his closet, choosing the clothes he’d be wearing today. 

Tyler had admitted to himself he kinda had a crush on Josh a while ago (like 3 weeks approx), and everyday he found him more and more interesting to talk and to be around with. He felt himself falling for Josh each minute that went by, but he was scared of ruining the relationship if he said something, so he just pretended he didn’t feel this way until maybe someday Josh would hopefully make a move, Tyler hoped, or maybe he would someday “man up” (he hated that saying) and go for it. Though they were always touchy feely since they were comfortable with each other. Platonically. 

“Do you want me to let you borrow some clothes from me?” Josh said casually, going through his stuff. 

“Sure, surprise me” Tyler said, he was now sitting on the bed.

Josh shot Tyler a mischief smile, and kept looking through his clothes.

“This... And this!” Josh threw him a bunch of clothes for him to wear.

“Flowers?” Tyler made a face that said ‘not bad’.

“You like it?” Josh said, hopeful. 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll try it on.” Tyler said, finally getting up and going to the bathroom.

After a few minutes, he came out, he was wearing a black shirt, a flowery robe, black skinny jeans, with red socks and all black vans.Tyler was smiling shyly as Josh looked at him up and down. 

“You look great!” Josh said, with a wide smile, proud of having chosen those clothes.

“Can you, like, try putting eyeliner on me? like you said yesterday?” Tyler said, he was feeling kinda shy, 

“You wanna try on makeup?” Josh said hopefully, his eyes looked as bright as his smile,  
“Yeah, sure,” Tyler said, smiling

“Alright, ready? You gotta stay still” said Josh, looking for the liquid eyeliner on the cabinet quickly. Soon enough, he was ready to trace the black eyeliner over Tyler’s eyes.

Tyler stayed as still as possible, as you can be when the person you kinda like is all over your face, breathing closely to you. 

Josh painted the inside part of Tyler’s eyelids, as meticulous as he could, when he finished he finally pulled back, out of Tyler’s face to see the results. 

“Whoa, you look great, dude” Josh said, admiring his work, “It’s awesome,” Looking straight at Tyler’s eyes. The latter was trying his best not to blush, but failing miserably. 

“Really? Let me see,” Tyler moved towards the bathroom mirror, “Wow, I look Hot” Tyler said jokingly, and laughed at his own words. 

“You do” Said Josh excitedly, “Alright, I’ll change and I’ll do my make up” he said, shooing Tyler out of the bathroom,

“Okay, okay, I’ll wait for you downstairs with breakfast.” Tyler replied.

Tyler went downstairs and greeted Josh’s mom who had prepared for the both of them, Josh and Tyler, on this special occasion, nesquik chocolate milk with cereal. Tyler checked his phone for any text messages while he waited for Josh to start eating, he was replying to his mom’s good morning text when Josh got down the stairs.

Josh was wearing a white really long tank top, that kinda looked like a dress, black skinny jeans and vans, his eyes were covered in red eyeliner ...or eyeshadow... Tyler couldn’t tell. 

“Wow, you really went for it,” Tyler said, “You look good, Josh” he smiled from the kitchen counter, watching as Josh made his way over there. 

“Well, thank you.” Josh said, blushing.

His mother also complimented him that morning, she was used to his looks, he usually just dressed like this once in a while or for special occasions but this was the first time getting dressed up for Treatment. They ate breakfast well and then went to the bus stop to go to therapy.

At the bus stop they were talking about how impressed their mates would be by their looks, they got quiet after that in a kinda uncomfortable silence, which was shortly cut by Tyler,

“I really liked how the eyeliner turned out...” He said, serious, looking like he really meant it. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m good at it” Josh said proudly, and right then the bus came and they changed the way of the conversation. Josh couldn’t stop looking at Tyler; the eyeliner looked really really good on him, and the clothes made him look a little bit feminine, which was a really good look on him. 

After like twenty minutes, they arrived to the Treatment House, saying hello to everybody and getting a lot of compliments, Martina commented on how good Tyler’s nails went with the robe he was wearing, or “kimono” as she said, but Tyler didn’t really like that term, it was much too appropriative. He voiced it to Josh, who seemed to understand and agree. 

They went outside to smoke a cigarette after greeting everyone, patients and staff. Josh really couldn’t stop staring at Tyler, he looked too good, with his flowery robe and fuchsia nails, the eyeliner, he really felt like he was falling for him in some way,

“Dude, you know what? You look way too good with that robe, you should keep it and use it more often, I used it like twice in my whole life,” Josh said, blowing out the smoke of his cigarette.

“Really? Thank you, Joshie” Tyler said, looking at him in the eyes, once again, and smiling brightly. Josh felt his stomach flutter with butterflies as Tyler smiled at him like that, 

“You’re so cute, you know that, right?” Josh said, it was a spur of a moment comment, he couldn’t resist.

“What?” Tyler blushed, he betted he looked as red as a tomato right now. “That I’m cute? me?” Tyler was conscious of that he had the lowest self esteem of the world.

“Yeah, cute.” Josh said, with a smile, looking at Tyler as he looked down, probably embarrassed. 

“Shut up.” Tyler said, smiling and looking down, Josh did the same, both embarrassed. Tyler was thinking about how cute Josh also was today, he was normally cute everyday, but today? he couldn’t stop thinking about how damn good the red eyeliner looked on him. Without much hesitation, he leaned in and kissed Josh’s cheek besides him, like he normally would, out of nowhere. At which Josh always smiled shyly.

They finished their cigarettes and went inside, it was an intense summer morning, it was fresher inside than outside, so they sat under the air conditioner. Josh was sitting on the wooden chair, resting his head on his arms on the table, in a position that his make-up wouldn’t get ruined. He was thinking about how cute Tyler was, and about how fucked he really was, he didn’t want to fall for someone at the moment but he couldn’t help himself. Standing, Tyler was playing with Josh’s strands of red hair, mostly caressing his head and hair softly. Tyler started humming a song he had written some time ago playing with his baby piano, it seemed to get more relaxed under his fingers. They stayed like that for a while until Marcos, a therapist and coordinator of the place approached them with the neurocognitive activity of the day, they were assigned to do it nonetheless of their eagerness, or lack of, to complete it.

The day went by quickly, they ate salad and pizza like every Friday. They smoked some more and talked some more, they were more affectionate than usual for some reason, holding hands walking in the garden while talking, giving those kisses on their cheeks, etcetera. 

Tyler’s house wasn’t too far from Treatment so Josh offered to walk him to his house that day, since Josh was explaining to Tyler some things about gender and stuff while they walked there, hand by hand,

“So like, someone can be the two binary genders… at once?” Tyler looked amazed,

“Yeah, I guess, kind of. You can, like, rotate between the two but being both at the same is fine too I'm guessing. That’s called bi-gender. There’s something similar, it’s called genderfluid, you go through phases of feeling like something and then you feel like this other thing and it's so fluid it’s really cool, I have a friend who’s genderfluid.” Josh was really passionate about this topic, and Tyler seemed to be interested on it as well.

“That’s so cool… Whoa… I think I might-” 

“Fags!” Someone yelled at them from behind, Josh, with a scowl on his face, turned around to see where it came from. There were some guys (just two) in the corner of the street, walking towards them, 

“Leave us alone.” Josh said with a demanding tone, 

“Make me,” The blonde one said, before pushing Tyler. 

Josh couldn’t contain himself and went for it, he hit the blonde tall guy on the face with all the force he had, his brother went to taekwondo and he had taught him how to punch. After two seconds of just standing there watching the guy fall on his ass, he realized what he had done and looked at tyler with a mixture of ‘what have i just done’ and ‘let's get the fuck outta here’ face.

So he grabbed Tyler’s hand again and started running, and with Tyler running by his side, in that moment he felt invincible, indestructible, powerful and adrenaline was going through his veins. Soon enough, they arrived to Tyler’s house. It wasn’t too far from the center of the city, not like Josh’s, that was pretty far away from there, in a peaceful neighbourhood. 

“Whoa, that was so cool of you. Thank you for that.” Tyler said a little out of breath.

“Thanks... and no problem” Josh smiled widely at Tyler, really glad he was safe and sound.

“You wanna come in ‘nd have a glass of water or something?”

“Sure, I’m exhausted” Josh protested exaggerating a little

Tyler served him a cold glass of water, before inviting him a Nesquik, (that’s how they just called chocolate milk), they drank their chocolate milks while talking and making jokes while Tyler’s parents weren’t home yet. When Tyler’s parents arrived they weren’t too happy about Josh’s visit and what has he done to their son? They weren’t too happy about his nails painted fuchsia but they let it slip in front of Josh. Josh walked to the bus stop listening to music and thinking about his day, about Tyler, about Tyler’s bright brown eyes, about his smile, his laugh that made him feel sick to the stomach in a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! please leave a comment! 
> 
>  
> 
> you can contact me on twitter @nophunitnended or at tumblr @glowigneyes


	4. i will fly with no hope, no fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh felt insignificant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank my betas and friends abi and soco for helping me through this. Specially abi for being there for me in the process of writing and for helping me through my writer blocks! jiji

Josh felt insignificant sometimes, like now, as it was around 6 pm and he was home alone with nothing to do, but play with his phone. He wanted to leave, again, he wanted to stop. But this time, it was just for a moment, he wanted to leave, but then come back. Not like the old times, where everything felt gray and out of time. He was dissociating a lot that day. He had already came back from treatment and it hadn't been a good day. Tyler had gotten to skip it that day because he had psychiatrist and used that excuse, when Josh knew really well he just wanted some time to himself at his home and be alone for a while. He wondered if he was feeling the same as he did right now, or at least something similar. He hoped he was just having a good time at home though. Just watching some TV shows on Netflix, like Brooklyn Nine Nine or some movie, maybe like he was used to.. 

 

So he decided to talk to him, maybe he would help distract Josh, and maybe he could feel better.

 

_ hey _

 

hey josh what's up

 

_ umm I dont feel real good rn I could use some distractions _

 

oh... hey do u want me to call you and… maybe I can show you something I've been working on? or do u want me to come over or sth?

 

_ pls come over _

 

omw

 

And like that, Tyler got ready as fast as he could, took his uke and his notebook with all his poems… or lyrics, and put them in a backpack. He told his mom he was going to Josh's house  _ for the night probably _ , he said, so he took his meds too just in case and left.

 

Tyler took a cab to get there as soon as possible, he wanted Josh to be okay, he really did, he felt worried as hell.

 

He got there twenty minutes later and texted Josh, since he lived in a terrain with three houses before his, and didn't have a doorbell.

 

im outside

 

And as soon as he knew, Josh was running to the gate of wood that divided them, turning his key as fast as he could. Then he was launching himself into Tyler's arms. 

 

“Hey” said Tyler, breathing into Josh's clothes. He smelled like cigarettes, like home.

 

Josh ended the hug and looked at Tyler's eyes. Tyler noticed he had been crying. 

 

“Hey…” Tyler said with a tone of preoccupation. “Are you okay?” Tyler caressed Josh's cheek with his hand. 

 

Josh looked down.

 

“I am now.”

 

They walked inside, hand in hand. They stopped outside Josh's small house. In the small front yard which divided his house from the others, Josh took out his cigarettes and offered one to Tyler. They sat down in the grass and Tyler took out his ukulele, 

 

“I wanna show you something” Tyler said, with his uke in his hand and a cigarette in the other. 

 

That made Josh smile despite his mood, and nodded for Tyler to continue.

 

“Alright, here it goes. It's an uke version since I don't have my piano right now but you know,”

Tyler threw his halfway consumed cigarette to the ground and started singing, 

_ He stays home from work this time _ __  
_ He never really told his wife _ __  
_ He never really told a lie but this time he decides that it's alright. _ __  
_ It's alright. _ __  
_ No one really knows his mind and no one knows behind his eyes. _ __  
_ The man deserves a medal _ __  
_ But he's never really won a prize before. _ _  
_ __ He goes to lock the door.

 

Josh looks at him in awe. It's not the first time he heard him sing, Tyler would usually sing something or hum while he petted Josh's hair. But Josh had never heard him sing something written by himself, and he was quite honored Tyler would share this with him.

 

_ He is falling in love _ __  
_ He knows it's enough _ __  
_ And the world looks down and frowns _ __  
__  
_ Get up Johnny boy, get up Johnny boy, _ __  
_ Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground. _ __  
_ You're my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy. _ __  
_ Get up Johnny boy because we all need you now. _ __  
_  
_ __ We all need you now.

 

Josh watched his every move.

 

_ Someone said, "Where you going?" _ __  
_ Someone said to you, "Goodbye." _ __  
_ They deflect the disrespect when they say that they blame it on the times _ __  
_ They blame it on the time. _ __  
_ We all know you're qualified to fix a chair and love your wife _ __  
_ They all know you're qualified but they lie when they blame it on the times. _ _  
_ __ And we blame it on the times.

  
  


Tyler stopped singing, and he looked up at Josh, who was still watching him in admiration. He was dazzled. 

 

“That's pretty much it, I know it’s not perfect and I haven't finished it yet, but-” 

 

“It's really good Tyler, woah, I can imagine how good it sounds on piano, but can I ask you a question?” 

 

“Sure?” Tyler was self conscious, he expected some critique and he was ready for it. This is why he never showed anyone anything.  

 

“Are you sure you're not… gay? and not bisexual?” 

 

Tyler didn't know what to say, he was perplexed.

 

“What?” 

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to like offend you, or surprise you with this question but those lyrics sounded like pretty… gay to me? As in, you know, the he is falling in love and like the world thinks it's wrong sounds like internalized homophobia to me…” Tyler was blushing so much, he was embarrassed,  he never thought someone would read into his lyrics like this. “And the, ‘we all know you're qualified to fix a chair and love your wife’ is like you feeling the pressure of, like, society over you to do these things and like, I don't know, please your parents?” 

 

Tyler opened his mouth to speak, but closed it shortly after, he didn't know what to say still.

 

“I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” Josh had forgotten all about the discomfort and kinda suicidal ideas he had earlier, thanks to Tyler and his song.

 

“No, Josh,  no… It's just,  surprising… and I'm thinking…” Tyler looked down. “Can I have another cigarette?” Josh complied and gave him another one. 

 

“Um… honestly, Josh, I don't know if you're right, I've dated two girls in high school and they were really nice… that's why I identify… as bisexual…” he said in a very quiet voice, almost ashamed,  he was realizing he might have been wrong this whole time. “Though… I've always felt the pressure from my parents, or society to, you know, have children, be the typical man in charge of the house with a wife and all that.”

 

Josh scooted closer to Tyler,  to put his arm around him, and he said, 

 

“It's okay, Tyler, I think being partly a compulsive heterosexual is pretty common… there's nothing wrong with it, all meanwhile you can recognize your true feelings later.” 

 

“Compulsive heterosexual?” 

 

“Yeah, when you let yourself be influenced by society and by what it wants from you, you might date people from the opposite sex, all without knowing your true self and feelings. Is that how you feel? The reason why those lyrics came out?” 

 

Tyler just nodded and hugged Josh right back. He buried his head in Josh's neck. He felt a thousand times lighter now. He discovered something new about himself that night and was going to be forever thankful to Josh.

 

They finally went inside and had some nesquik and cookies even thought it was closer to dinner time than to afternoon snacks, but they cared very little. They shared a billion smiles, they couldn't complain when they were around each other.

 

They went to lie in Josh's bed after a while, Josh was feeling so much better in Tyler's company.They helped each other and it felt so nice.

 

Josh was the big spoon again, and as he caressed and played with Tyler's hair, the latter spoke.

 

“You know...“ Tyler started, immediately regretting it, but it was too late to back out now. He turned around, facing Josh. “The person I say I am falling for… in the lyrics…” He paused to swallow the lump in his throat, he couldn't believe he was saying it. “It's…” He couldn't look at Josh in the eyes for long.

 

“Yes?” Josh looked at him with pleading eyes, telling him to continue. But he could have never imagined what Tyler said next, 

 

“It’s you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! Abi opened my eyes about the meaning of Johnny Boy last week and I wanted to add it to the fic somehow, because it didn't feel right for Ty to be bi when I am part of the believers of the compulsive het tyler sooooo. This is pure fiction and I also love plasmating myself into these characters. So thanks everyone for the opportunity. I hope to keep writing this fic more often!! Thanks for the kudos! and Please leave a comment  
> you can find me on tumblr as glowigneyes and on twitter as hhoseok. thank u!


	5. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt good.

It was a nice tuesday morning, it was perfect for Josh, he loved those kinda rainy days that weren't quite rainy, he loved the autumn vibe the day was giving even though it was summer. He walked on his way to treatment, mouthing the words silently to the song playing on his phone. He felt good. He knew Tyler liked him and now Tyler also knew he liked him back.

 

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“You really like-like me?”_

_“Yes Josh don't make me say it one more time.” Tyler was embarrassed, and fearing of rejection._

_“Well, I really like you, too” Josh's lips formed a shy smile, he couldn't bring himself to look at Tyler for too long. This was probably the most adrenaline inducing moment he had lived since that punch he threw to that asshole a few weeks ago._

_Tyler couldn't contain his smile, looking at Josh, he leaned in, just the perfect amount to let Josh initiate it. Josh closed the gap between their smiling mouths. Josh kissed him and Tyler kissed back. Tyler’s lips were the softest lips he had ever kissed, he decided. They enjoyed every second of it. The soft sounds. The smiles between kisses. Most specially the look in Tyler's eyes, the look of happiness, they were bright, unique. Josh could stare at him forever._

They weren't official yet but anyone could tell they were dating at least. They were always holding hands, Tyler always played with Josh's curls when he was laying down. They were always giving each other pecks on the cheek, since relationships between patients weren't the ideal thing in treatment, they wouldn't kiss there and also for the fact that it would be embarrassing to get caught.

Josh remembered the day Tyler confessed to him and smiled to himself, he walked a few more blocks until he got to the treatment house. Tyler already there, waiting for him.

“Hi” Tyler said, when Josh approached him, on the front porch. He gave him a peck on the lips quickly and glanced around to see if anyone had seen that. JJ was watching. He blushed but JJ just laughed and said “It's okay”.

And it was.

They often had sleepovers. Their parents never seemed to realize that they were something more than friends, so they let them.

One afternoon, while Josh and Tyler were making out on Josh's bed, Josh’s mom came in the room without notice since the door was semi open. Josh's parents weren't supposed to be home yet. They hadn't heard them.

“Josh, ---” Josh's mom froze, she was perplexed.

The two were laying down in Josh's bed, just like the first time they kissed, facing each other.

“Oh, sorry, honey…” She sounded surprised, “Can we talk for a second?” She walked to the hallway.

Tyler was scared. This was it. The end of their relationship. He felt so good being with Josh, he had never pressured him to do anything he didn't want to do. He was celibate and Josh respected that, when they had that talk, Tyler had maybe cried because of the support and unconditional love Josh gave him. Josh hugged him and played with his hair, hummed children's songs until he fell asleep.

Josh came back into the room and interrupted Tyler's thoughts, he came to Tyler and said,

“I'm sorry if this weird but I might have just told my mom you're my boyfriend” He licked his lips, looked at Tyler and found him horrified “Uh, I mean, she's okay with it but if you prefer…”

“S-she’s okay with it?” Tyler’s face changed completely. He felt relief, but at the same time he couldn't believe it. His parents would never accept it that easily.

“Yeah… I mean… Yeah, but you're not mad?” Josh was still worried.

Tyler's smile grew, “Why would I be, boyfriend?” he accentuated the world boyfriend, trying it.

Josh smiled even wider and kissed Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i decided to finish this story here. i might write one shots for it later when i feel up to it. also this was supposed to be a valentine's day special but i didnt think it was good enough but i re read it yesterday and thought well it'd be a good end to the fic. tbh i dont like how this fic ended up being so i decided to end it. i am so picky with fics so i am like that with my own too. but it was fun to write though, anyways, thank you for reading! leave comments if u like.


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